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Renovation, Rejuvenation, and What Counts

An Online Journal / Diary

Sunday, May 27, 2001

Looking for Goodness

Sonny has a new job. He is working at a sandwich shop. Yesterday was his first day at work. Cross your fingers. Let's hope he can keep this job.

This morning I worried about this. His second day shift was to begin at ten o'clock.

At nine o'clock he was still in bed.

I nervously asked myself, "Why isn't his alarm going off?"

I then was irritated. Did he expect me to go in and wake him up?

I knew it would be wrong for me to do that.

Waking his own self up, and getting his own self off to work is his responsibility, not mine.

But God knows how I want this new job to work out for Sonny. Keeping a job, earning money is what it takes for one's survival. I want him to survive. More than that, I want him to survive without my aid.

He's twenty years old. He needs to be earning his own living.

I need to know that if I were to die today my son would survive without me.

And if I don't die today I'm at a point where I 'd like to live a part of my life separate from my kids. You know the part where they have their place and I have mine.

My daughter has her own place. And she's two years younger than Sonny.

I have my own place. Yet I share it with Sonny.

Therefore I have practically no privacy. I have practically no space of my own. I even have to share my guitar with him, because he left his guitar with his girlfriend back at Job Corp. (I know I'm coming off as petty here, but no musician wants anyone other than himself messing with his instrument.)

Add to all of this the fact that I can't clean my place up, go off to work, and expect it to stay that way until I return home again. Sonny is a messy person and rarely cleans up after himself. He even expects me to clean up for him.

Also add to all of this the fact that my offspring roommate does not pay his fair share of the bills.

Thirdly add to all of this the fact that Sonny stays up way too late in the evening, and then I have to be quiet in the morning until he wakes up.

I wanted to wake him up this morning. I wanted to be his human alarm clock. And even though I tried to resist this urge, I still did wake him in an off hand way. Not much after nine o'clock I decided to bump about louder than I normally do while he's sleeping. I turned the television on and started noisily cooking breakfast.

Sonny must have heard me. All at once I heard him stirring in his bedroom. Then in quick succession he got ready for work, ate, watched part of The Princess Bride video with me, and left for his new place of employment.

Twenty minutes early.

It was later after his shift ended that he unexpectantly brought a sandwich home.

And what do you know? The sandwich was for me.

Now I need to remember kind deeds like this. And I need to remember the days when Sonny is on track and doing things right. Most importantly, I gotta keep looking for all the good that Sonny brings to my life. I usually can't see this goodness because it is blocked by some disapproval of his not acting in exact accordance with how I think he should act.

If Sonny truly is mistreating me, if he is truly taking advantage of me at times, maybe it is because I, as the head of our household, have not laid down any specific rules for him to abide by while he is living here under my roof. Maybe there should be more emphasis on logical and natural consequences for Sonny to experience if he then breaks those rules. That way it becomes more his problem and not mine.

Hopefully I'll follow through with these improvements on my parenting skills. One thing is for sure, tonight when I finally get around to eating the sandwich Sonny brought home for me I plan on savoring it as I eat it. What a nice gesture however minute it may be.

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